A week or so ago I had a dream with Whitney in it. I was somehow visiting a house where she and her family were gathered. It was one of those rare dreams that leave you feeling warm and happy once you wake up. I've had maybe half a dozen over the past twenty years. It seemed so real. They're better than flying dreams.

I appreciate that it wasn't real and that whatever Whitney meant to me came and went in real life twenty-five years ago, never to be revisited, but at the same time when I have a dream with Whitney in it I wake up and life seems brand new and shining, it's glorious to be alive, even though she's not in my life, even though my life has gone by without her as a partner. I'm not adequately expressing what I felt that morning.

If Heaven was like one of those dreams and I could get to Heaven by being good, then I'd be good, to paraphrase Stewart Brand. Dreaming of Whitney is as close as I'll ever come to being with Whitney. Visiting her and her imaginary family in their imaginary house was glorious. Even dreaming of being with her was enough to make me feel happy through and through.

Someday I'll have to take a look at my ancient feelings. No one I've ever met has held half a candle to Whitney. I keep chasing pale imitations of her. Was I fortunate to have met her? Wouldn't it have been easier to have remained unaware that anyone as incandescent could exist? I don't want to think about it. I can't think about it. Just move along. Make the best of it.

Heavy rain on Monday

Really came pissing down about 10:30 or 11:00 on my way to pick Cassidy
up from kindergarten. I love rain.

One last test

Test posting via e-mail. See if this works.

If all goes well, soon Diane will move out. Can't happen too soon. That will be like the sun rising after a long, dark, cold night, bringing joy back to the world. I sure have rotten luck with women.

http://www.spaceways.net

Got FTP and e-mail working. Fiddling around with blogger.com, trying to get the few older posts to show up.

Haven't been getting much sleep lately, an hour and a half last night. Diane has been staying here for a week since her most recent stay in the mental health facility.

Had a new kitchen sink and faucet installed today, PLAIN WHITE, thank you very much. Looks great. Cost $1200. Ouch. I knew it would be more than I wanted to spend, but not THAT much. Oh well. Looks really nice.

Got the lemon and lime trees planted this past weekend. Bought them about a month ago, been digging the holes for them to be planted in off and on since then. Bought a bricklayer's hammer with a single wide claw to hack through the clay and rocks to provide drainage. Dug down as far as I could reach. Added all kinds of amendments. And a couple of PVC drain pipes I'd drilled extra holes in. Filled those with some of the stones I excavated. Hopefully the trees will do well.

Happy to see that it's cloudy off and on today. It rained hard at one point yesterday and it rained more at night. I love rain. It can't rain too much as far as I'm concerned.

Flynn stayed home today, he was up in the middle of the night and ended up barfing.

What else? Hard to think, I'm so tired.

Publish this, see if it works.

Rainy Wednesday. I love rain.

Went to the market. Bought fake logs and groceries. Had half a cord of oak delivered yesterday and got that all stacked. Cleaned the rain gutter that had been clogged.

I hope that it rains forever. I love rain. I love rain.

btw, yes, of course, I got "Suburban Hum" from Jennifer Fergusson's "Suburban Hum" which is a South African art/rock song I'd heard just exactly once on KPFK 90.7 FM from Los Angeles back in the early 80s.

from a notebook I'd begun last summer

Fed Flynn + Cassidy + Jimmy sandwiches. Diane is hiding in the bedroom. With her dog, I expect. Time for Diane to find some other place to live.

That sounds great.

The house was so much happier without her. Having her home is like a perpetual black cloud. Go away, Diane. Leave us alone.

Tested the water. Partially changed the water, fed the fish.

from a notebook I had begun last summer

The kids and Aiyana are playing a noisy game of hide and seek and arguing. Cassidy is getting her hair cut @ 5. Hopefully Diane will feel up to taking her, I'd rather watch football.

Today is Friday --

"You got found. Play again." Stop bickering. Drinking some Hawaiian ice tea that I found at the market.

Having money A) makes life easier and B) obsolesces Diane. Not providing money, help around the house or with the kids, companionship, et cetera. At some point one would imagine that I'd ask myself why Diane is here. Have a house full of groceries. Water, milk, et cetera.

Some used DVDs I'd ordered arrived today. Watch those sometime.

What's the best I can hope for? Diane returns to her previous sullen, isolated mode? Why bother?

1. Bought three neon tetras to share 10-gallon aquarium with Finley
2. Finley consumes all three neon tetras
3. Finley is exiled to the old aquarium sans air pump, fake plants or affection

4. Bought three neon tetras, two black tetras, three glo-light tetras
5. One neon tetra and one black tetra croak

6. Bought two neon tetras and one silver colored fish whose name I can’t recall
7. One silver colored fish whose name I can’t recall croak on the way home

8. Bought another Pristella (silver colored fish) and two little orange fishes

9. Neon tetra dies
10. Another fish dies and was removed floating on the surface (gross).

Aquarium worse. Got the old 2.5 gallon aquarium out of the garage and captured Finley and transferred him. Letting the 10 gallon aquarium run to see what happens.

Went to visit Mom over the weekend. Aquarium was cloudy when we got back. Drained and refilled about half the water. Just as cloudy.

Bought some stuff @ Petco which I’m hoping will make the water clear again within an hour or so.