000110

Sick on Friday. This is Monday. Printing invitations for the holiday party. Unsure which holiday it's supposed to relate to since it takes place at the end of January. The Super Bowl ought to count as a major American holiday.

Called C&F about the Campmobile. Which I haven't driven in MONTHS. They had some guesses. Better than guesses.

Bad weekend. Sick. Cassidy was cranky. Diane was an utter pill. Now I understand what "staying together for the sake of the kids" meant -- but were other spouses in other marriages as bad as this? Making plans to affect major changes. To aim at. Time is going by, make real changes and greatly improve my life and the lives of the kids.

991223

Stopped and bought bagels for the office. Took Flynn to day care. Drove the rental Sunpotato to work. Here I sit.

Can hardly wait to wrap things up and get out of here. Time off. Thank God.

Gotta tweak these fucking graphs again, kill them off...

991222

Ah yes. Christmas here in San Diego. It's 80 degrees during the day.

It would be nice to at least have some cool weather (50 degrees). It's always hot here. It's always sunny here. Even at night.

Bailed out my car last night pending its being towed to Orange County today. $500 and I have it towed off their lot? Not impressive.

Thought I had money left over. I'm actually overdrawn. Terrific.

$1200 for Diane's gift. $500 for the car. Been selling everything I own on eBay. And I'm still overdrawn by about $16. Terrific. Really.

I sure miss having dope. "Light of Life" as I once heard it called -- Shel Silverstein's The Smoke Off. Been a long, dry year, and my one ace is long gone.

Driving some fucking rental car, some kind of Pontiac Sunbird or Sunfire or Sunpotato... disgusting. Noisy, cheaply made... I miss the Volkswagen. The Volkswagen is fun to drive.

What the fuck is wrong with the Volkswagen? It has been out of service for THREE MONTHS! The garage time was a total waste of time. There was nothing wrong with the original ECU. They were just guessing. More San Diego incompetence.

Tunnel Hunt. Is this the name of that planet-maze game I used to play at OCC in 1984? Is that when that was?

I had a night class of some kind, would eat in the cafeteria for CHEAP, play that game if I had a quarter left on me... I have a PC game (Gravitron?) based on this arcade game. I wish I could have seen a screen shot from the list of arcade games page I found to know if this is the correct game or not.

Generally searching the web is nothing but frustrating.

Just about noon. 1999. June. Diane and the kids are at her parent's house.

Unsure of how long ago it was I ran out of dope. And that was the second quarter pound of underpowered ditchweed. I actually ran out of dope last 4th of July.

Certainly miss it.

Ought to eat something. Ought to get around to things I need to do today. Before I need to go back to work again tomorrow.

Very little money these days.

Have been making borderline CDs into MP3s anticipating selling the CDs. Need to sell the Soloflex. Never use it.

Gained two pounds last week after losing thirty pounds since the end of March.

Memorial Day was last weekend, it was a big disappointment. Never relaxed, never happy.

At least Diane and the kids are gone today and I have a small clear spot. If only to reflect on exactly how unhappy I am.

I *TRULY* hate San Diego. This place really, REALLY sucks. I genuinely despise San Diego.

Instead of my computer desk, the keyboard is up on the kitchen counter, which is much too high for any kind of work surface. Thanks, Diane. Part of her stupid kitchen project. Ugly cabinets and an ugly counter top. At least this part of the counter used to be lower. Why did I let her use my computer desk? So that she wouldn't put her work computer on the kitchen table again.

Like she had done doing freelance work. Which I hated. When that computer finally went, she got the work computer.

And she wonders why I'm unhappy.

The phone is ringing. I doubt it's anyone I want to talk to.

Nope, sure wasn't.

Time to eat something.

...

99.06.06
5.32

Managed to lose several paragraphs due to a crash. Lovely.

Turned off the table fan, which is squeaking. Very annoying.

Fucking computer crash. Just great.

Finishing the bottles of vodka and Midori I bought on Friday. Sure miss smoking dope. Have one 1/2" tall seedling outside. Bad germination. Not encouraging. Have no place to set up a garden. Maybe in the garage. Or not.

No money. Need to remember debits and determine how little money I have left. Need to deposit the $50 check from Back to Basics Toys. They fucked up as far as customer service on Flynn's toy helicopter. Would prefer NOT to deposit that check at all.

Submitted a $488 form for day care reimbursement Friday.

This is June. I believe I need to pay another chunk on the credit card debt. Had sent them $2,000 last year. $200 earlier this year. I do not have the money in my account at this time. Need to send money to pay for this new computer. The one that just crashed...

Sell CDs, sell the Soloflex (again)... sell that radio I bought last year to record the Dr. D. 1976 songs show. Ends are not meeting. The day care costs are greater than the mortgage costs.

No dope.

Screaming fight with Diane last night. Fuck off, Diane. You have provided me with what I could not provide myself with, children. Now just get lost. Fuck off. Leave the house and the kids. See ya.

Stick around until the kids are both old enough to say "We'd like to be with Dad." The kids LIKE me, which is gratifying beyond words. Last weekend I was encouraging Flynn to play with Diane, and Flynn actually said "I love you more." Hahaha. Nice work, Diane.

Hey, at least she was fertile enough to carry half the time... 2/4 pregnancies resulted in live births...

I remember Mark McCutchen commenting on how calm I was last summer before Cassidy was born... I told him that after two miscarriages, this pregnancy would almost certainly result in a live birth, so I had no reason to worry...

The tiny bug was born last August... now she can *almost* walk... she gets in to LOTS of mischief...

Thinking about going and cleaning the shower... it's disgusting... after I finish this huge drink... as if it would give me a tenth of what a couple of decent bongloads would give me... some kind of space, slack, true relief...

I truly miss smoking dope. I forget when I ran out, but it's been a while... even then, the dope I had was not that great. Two disappointing $500 quarter pounds... wholesale rate...

Stopped growing dope when Diane was pregnant with Flynn...

I was excited and relieved to have a 1/4 pound last November... got home with it, I remember leaving the bathroom wondering "am I high..? I don't *feel* high..." it took a while for it to sink in that this was underpowered dope again. Damn. A real sharp disappointment.

Found some scraps in a bag of seeds last weekend, that was good for about two hits... anything is better than nothing... homegrown was sufficient at one time...

Which is not to say that I was not grateful for the powerful dope I had on hand in 1995 when we moved to this fucking wasteland and Jerry Garcia died.

The kind of dope you could get TOO high on. Uncomfortably high. I like a good stoned high, but not a paralyzing high...

Mature seeded dope is the best...

Used the push mower, put that together, figured out that the grass catcher was meant for a back-throw mower... just mowed the fucking lawn... I don't see any problem with the grass trimmings being left on the lawn... put several handfuls in the flower beds... mulch... high nitrogen... leave it alone...

Diane having had this stupid ugly counter installed so fucking high makes it impossible to comfortably type on... my wrists have been FLAMING after the past several busy weeks at work... another busy week beginning tomorrow...

I could drink until the room spins and it still wouldn't be anything that just a couple of hits of the most humble homegrown would provide...

Had been listening to Bowie's Bewlay Brothers mp3 until the crash... MacAmp is unstable at best... kind of like Windows 3.1 and comm programs...

Ah me...

So he could scream and still relax...

Think I'll close this babble and fire that up again... finish my drink and then go clean the shower...

...

Sunday

Took Flynn to Carly's 7th birthday party today. Diane stayed home with the baby. Diane's been unpleasant for some time now.

Didn't ask Bob if he'd be seeing Keith. A thousand dollars of ditchweed is far too much. Maybe ask Mike if he knows where to look.

What else? Nothing. No alcohol. No dope. Unpleasant shrew of a wife. Life is great. Just great.

Nice to be away from Diane today. Had fun with Flynn. Had fun seeing Kelly and Bob. Tomorrow I go back to work yet again.

Removed the rear bumper light, that was causing the aux battery to drain. Too bad.

What else? Nothing else. I wish there was something else. Like some dope. Maybe grow some more. Where? In the '65 in the garage? Maybe. That's months away from being available. Long dry spell.

No money for dope, really. Very unhappy with the two last crappy quarter pounds. That's a lot of bad dope. It really is. Severe disappointment.

What else? Nothing else. At all. Nothing else. Go back to sleep. Get up at 4 in the morning. Do it all over again.

Camping next weekend. An adventure. Hope that goes well.





99.03.20
Saturday

The endless nightmare of married life continues. I think I'd rather be dead. Which is why I've become so fucking fat. Might as well end it in a socially acceptable way.

Changed three out of four spark plugs this morning, didn't have a fourth new plug. Hope that helps.

Planning a camping trip next weekend plus Friday to Little Blair Valley, 78 to S-2 with Randy. Hope that works out well.

Have the fuse for the voltmeter that I'd wired the reverse light switch into out. See if that solves the draining battery problem. I imagine that I wired the light wrong and it's been draining the battery.

Eating some taquitos now.

Maybe go remove the wire to the reverse light so that the voltmeter will still work.

Out of dope for a week now. Out of dope worth its name since July. Haven't been high since July. Maybe longer. Was the dope I had before that any good?

Have about a hundred dollars on hand. Owe Toni $39 or so for the Girl Scout Cookies I ordered. Damn. Low on money.

Also ordered things from eBay, kind of a waste of money. Last pay period I bought some new clothes. Before that the trouble with the lights left on/new batteries/tow/repair because I didn't see a cap on the negative battery post. Waste of money.

Having no dope makes living with Diane just about impossible. She's a slug. However, at the moment, she's doing one of her manic cleanings of the kitchen. She's insane. That is the proverbial gospel truth. She is not in her right mind. Why did I marry her? Wanted kids.

I like Flynn and the bug. Diane is no fun to live with, she never has anything to say, is slovenly and lazy and has never been particularly feminine. But here I am. And here I am getting fatter and fatter and being pretty much enthused about a fatal heart attack. And door to get out of here.

Moved to OB several years ago, missed Flynn too much to stay there.

Obviously relying on Diane for birth control was a bad idea. But totally in keeping with the rest of our nightmare marriage. She doesn't get ANYTHING. She is just a clueless person. It's like living with Oscar Klugman from The Odd Couple, it really is.

Sure miss having dope.

tuesday.

Lots of work to do. Heard from Randy this morning, he's planning a trip to Baja next spring. Feel excited for him. I'd love to take another Baja trip.

I've actually felt happy and excited all morning just thinking about it. What an adventure that was. Especially considering I spend my life sitting in this half-cubicle or sitting in traffic driving back and forth from home to work and from work to home. Wahoo.

Feel somewhat domesticated, Diane paid some attention to me last night. I was up on time again this morning, got Flynn out of bed, got him ready to go, et cetera, et cetera. Taking care of my little family unit. I actually didn't feel guilty or reserved at all about enjoying the attention. When you've earned the reward, don't be bashful about picking up your chips.

The local service bureau set up an FTP site at long last, that ought to make life easier.

monday.

Busy enough at work. Squabbling with Diane. That would be my spouse. Marriage makes possible a degree of unhappiness only dreamt of while single.

Of course, the possibility of simply having made a terrible choice as far as a partner goes comes to my mind. I wanted a breeding partner. That is all I got.

So I can't say as I'm terribly happy today. I feel like I'm an indentured servant of some kind, I'm there to do chores and be with the kids, while I'm also prohibited from dating or even sportfucking. Not a good arrangement.

barbecue

Sitting by my small barbecue on Saturday evening drinking cold Tecate in red cans, near sunset. Pork chops and chicken breasts on the cast iron griddle which is on top of the folding grill which is above the hibachi which is full of hot coals which is sitting on two bricks.

Looks funky but it works well.

Really enjoyed sitting there. Had enjoyed a nice day, drove to Ocean Beach with Flynn. This seemed like a really long drive and I wondered why I was doing it. Recycled some oil, got breakfast to go from Little Chef and drove to Point Loma, parked the Campmobile and set up the table, served Flynn breakfast.

The idea had occured to me when we got there. It was fun. It was new. It was worth doing.

We sat and ate and enjoyed the view of wildflowers in the foreground and the breaking waves in the background. Really nice. Then we read a Dr. Suess book then drove to the big playground and then headed home.

Did some gardening at home, Flynn took a nap, I started getting ready to cook dinner about four o'clock. Roasted some potatoes in the 10" Dutch oven, made up a batch of biscuit dough.

After a few turns on the grill I brushed the pork chops and chicken breasts with barbecue sauce and watched them cook the last few minutes.

Satisfying. A good day.

Santa Cruz Camping Trip

Last Friday I saw Tobin, Christa and Russell off on their initial adventure in the '76 Deluxe Campmobile they'd picked up the night before. I had to report to work, took care of business, got home about eight and was feeling restless, I had wanted to drive part of the way north with TC&R, take Friday off and go as far as the camping trip in Santa Cruz.

Was looking forward to a weekend of moping around feeling sorry for myself, wasn't up to setting off on a Friday night through Orange County and Los Angeles traffic (been there, done that, don't wanna go back), but... hey, I get up @ 4 in the morning... hm, so why not get up an hour early and leave then?!

Checked with my wife to make sure that it was a sufficient insane notion to entertain, tried again to recruit her, she declined but offered up our son (she ended up playing three rounds of golf over the weekend instead) as a passenger. He had his favorite babysitter coming over Saturday morning and I was sure he'd rather play with her. "Would you rather play with Stephanie tomorrow or would you rather go camping with me, Flynn?" I asked. "Camping with Dad! Camping with Dad! Camping with Dad!" he jumped around the room repeating this. I was stoked.

Threw about a fortnight's worth of groceries and clothing in the holds, made sure I had the sleeping bags on board this time, got to bed about midnight.

Slept through the alarm for 45 minutes, got rolling at ten to four. I can't believe I'm doing this, I can't believe that I'm taking Flynn with me!

Rolled on. An RX7 stalled dead in the #3 lane on the freeway was a surprise predawn, two VW bugs had spun out/up the embankment about 100 miles apart, both pale green '63-64s. Odd.

Got past LA (thank God) before anyone was up. Crossed into Orange County, LA County, Ventura County... finally along the coast, right by the water, on the way to Santa Barbara and points north. This is kind of the northern edge of LA in my mind.

Flynn woke up and and we chatted a bit, I decided that we'd made good enough time to afford a brief stop in Solvang, a unique Danish enclave north of Santa Barbara. GREAT bakeries and restaurants (and a lot of knockout beautiful local girls). We went to a bakery that had a bunch of local cars parked in front (it was still quite early in the morning). I love the memory of watching Flynn's eyes widen as he saw what was available. Got a not-too-messy pastry for him and a cup of black coffee and a raisin bun for myself. Back on the road.

The miles rolled past. California has a lot of beautiful scenery, and thank God that a third of the way through November it was cool enough to not be toting a spray bottle to use as a life support system while driving.

Kept the speed to about 60-63mph. Oil temp (finally changed back to 20-50 after 40 weight during the hot summer) was fine, behaved nicely. The timing was off, poor low speed acceleration, but highway performance was good.

I am completely satisfied with the 8 ply tires on the front. When the 5 ply tires on the rear are ready to retire, I'm going to go for 8 ply there also. Really a smooth ride, and you realize the Campmobile has good handling once you're not fighting to compensate for insufficient tire walls. I do not feel tired after a long day of hard driving in the Campmobile, and I believe it's the tires in large part.

Made a quick secondary stop near San Luis Obispo for a comic book or toy, found a little keychain sized Etch A Sketch, PERFECT!!

Flynn took a nap and woke up again a bit cranky, uttering the words I'd most feared hearing: "I want to go home. I don't want to go camping. I want my Mom."

I explained that Mom was hundreds of miles away and that we were going camping that night. I saw golden arches ahead and I made a good parental move: time for a stretch and a Happy Meal(tm).

A McDonald's Happy Meal(tm) is one of the most powerful tools to ensure domestic tranquility on a long car trip available without a prescription.

After that stop, we were within an hour or so of our destination, Big Basin in Santa Cruz. Got off the 101, took the 183 over to the 1, right on the coast.

Tall trees, the ocean right there. What a place. I'd like to find work up in that area, Capitola/ Santa Cruz. Very nice.

Meandered up the 9 to the 236, winding through dense very tall trees. Very narrow road. There was a resurfacing project, we were delayed maybe 40 minutes. I'd driven over freshly laid asphalt in Baja, and I didn't mind spending the time waiting once I saw what was up. It took several hours with a shop rag and a can of WD40 to remove the fine strings of hot asphalt that the tires had thrown up onto the paint.

Became concerned that I'd gone too far and missed the turnoff. Continued along, thinking that it must be clearly signed. Was happy to find the 236 and turn towards the campground. We were almost there.

Threaded our way to the ranger station, found a note from Swiss Al, squeezed the information I needed out of the rangerette, drove maybe 3/4 of a mile to sites #113, 114, 115, something like that. Yep, there's Joe and Patti's '89 Synchro. Found 'em.

I felt like the creature from the black lagoon walking up onto the beach from the sea, such was the degree of jaw dropping. You drove that far?! For one night?

Why not? It was better than staying at home moping around, wishing I had gone! Maybe it's a Jim Ellis road trip virus I contracted via e-mail...

Said hello, introduced Flynn to Mackie, Patti and Joe's son. They played together. I was happy to see Mackie there, I thought that he and Flynn would get along, have another little person to relate to.

Cooked a couple of steaks that I'd thrown into the Campmobile ice box, shared one with Flynn. Martha shared a tasty Thai flavored dish she'd made up. There was more food, but I was full. Flynn enjoyed a couple of cookies that were about as big as his spread hand.

Enjoyed the fire and company for a couple/few hours, Met David Kautz and his wife (name?), who had zoomed up in a sharp little European convertible. Flynn was getting cranky, I didn't realize how tired he was, until David explained it. Sure enough, he went right to sleep, and I was asleep in a few minutes, also. Slept downstairs with the top closed to conserve heat. What's happening with that Carver P4 (Propex) heater order, anyway?! : ' )

Woke up the next morning, started some water for coffee, played with some styrofoam cutout dinosaurs and the toy ambulance from Saturday's Happy Meal(tm), also with the little Etch A Sketch. This was really great fun, that little stretch of time. We were in our clubhouse, out on the loose, on our own, having a good time camping.

Made our way to the fire, I added wood and charcoal and fed twigs and leaves to get a blaze going. Made some toast, as awkwardly as possible. Was not nearly as well prepared for this trip as usual. Made do. Quite nicely!

The sun rose, barely filtering through the truely towering redwoods all around us, lifting the fog. What a place. It was cold enough to make you value the warmth from the fire. Swiss Al and Joe woke up and came out, then Sarah poked her head out of Martha's Passat wagon -- guess it got a bit too cold in her tent! Bradley emerged, dressed in thermal sweatpants, shorts, and a Baja overshirt. Form follows function.

Visited for a bit, it came time to set off again. Said goodbye, started the Campmobile. Whoa. Little cold last night for you, girl? The oil sounded thick, and I'd been parked on a slight forward angle (Joe had directed me to drive up on small stacked 2x4 ramps, which was great, worked well). Got it started, backed up, let it warm up a bit until the oil light went out (was on for too long to leave me comfortable). Headed out.

Wound down the hill, into the sun, through the dense trees. Spectacular sights. I slowed and stopped when a young deer was trotting alongside the road ahead of us. He cut back into the trees. Flynn and I were equally impressed.

We were heading towards the 9 when a Type 34 cruised past and WAVED! I was so surprised that I didn't wave back! How cool! I don't expect folks in Ghias to do that. Saw a fair number of bay windows around the Santa Cruz area. Saw at least a dozen Vanagon Westys on the way home.

On the trip up I had Flynn's baby seat in the back, he slept most of the trip and amused himself otherwise. We shouted back and forth. I didn't make the bed back into the rear seat on the way home, and moved his baby seat to the passenger seat. I don't often do this, but it's a lot of fun to have him right there to chat with as we go.

Headed to Salinas and tanked up, checked the oil. NO oil!?!? Whoa. Added a quart and a half. Expected to blow a seal, couldn't believe I was that low.

Drove south. Shared graham crackers and apple juice with Flynn. Discovered that if he stretched his legs, he could barely touch the opened glove compartment door and slam it shut. This was great fun. I'd say "Left foot only!" and hold his right sweatpant leg down, back and forth. Figured it was good for him to stretch, anyway.

Listened to the Lion King soundtrack a few dozen times more than I'd like to have, but Flynn asked for it and I was only too happy to oblige.

My timing was still off, highway speeds were good and mileage was quite good, I was topping off the tank with 4 or 6 gallons instead of 10 or more (gauges? we don't need no steeeenking fuel gauges).

Drove home at speeds up to 67mph, tried to average about 65. The oil temp stayed below 220, the dipstick wasn't hot when I checked it at fueling stops. This was far faster than I've ever driven the Campmobile before, for a much longer time.

Along the way we'd stopped at a Unocal 76 station (my preferred brand, only gas card I carry) and I was walking, carrying Flynn, who'd just woken up from a nap, across the parking lot and back. A pretty girl rode a horse out of the rural land in back of the station across the parking lot to the road, said hello to us and smiled. Flynn thought this was great. It *was* great!

Only one severe jerk to report, a red Mercedes station wagon (an oxymoron there, no?) with Idaho plates. Driving too fast, zooming up in the rear view, tapped my brakes, he was busy looking where he could jam his 80mph butt into the fast lane and got too close. I could see his trophy bride having a word with him. I'd like to have taken a crowbar to the side of his head.

As we got near and through Santa Barbara, traffic slowed. Oh God. Not a 200 mile traffic jam, please.

LA wasn't as bad as usual, though the 101 through North Hollywood and downtown was jammed, there was some kind of event @ Dodger Stadium (anybody remember the Danny Kaye record "Dodger Stadjum"?).

Navigated through LA and Orange Counties, got close to home, stopped at a McDonald's near our house for a good stretch and another Happy Meal(tm) at a McDonald's with one of those big playgrounds. He was overtired and kind of fussy, but it was good to sit and eat, not quite home and through with our camping trip yet. He finished his last french fry, I loaded him back in the Campmobile again, fired it up, and drove a few more miles home.

Pulled in to the garage, idled for a bit to let the heads cool, shut it off, disembarked, fished Flynn out of his car seat and stood holding him for a moment. The Campmobile had taken us there and back again, a good solid road trip, maybe 10 hours each way including brief stops.

For some reason I thought of the Campmobile as being somewhat frail compared to my old '69 bug, which I'd drive anywhere at any time. After several years with the Campmobile, I'm coming to feel that it's every bit as bulletproof as the bug was, not as fast, but obviously a lot more comfortable and, especially by now, far more well equipped. Who's afraid of the big bad AFC fuel injection system?

Flynn ran inside and woke up Diane, who was napping on the couch (worn out from the three rounds of golf that weekend) and told her all about the trip. He was as good as gold on the long car ride, he did far better than I'd expected he would do. He was alert and cheerful and observant and conversational.

He's only three, I realize he won't remember this trip or the other things we do together, but I feel that it must be providing some kind of foundation for his later years, I'd like to think so, anyway.

Anyway. A spur of the moment trip, a good long run. Hadn't done anything like that in a while. It was good to see everybody, it was good to be out and moving again for a while. An impromptu adventure. Why not?

stuck in the mud

I got stuck in the mud. I didn't know what to do. Never been stuck in the mud before.

Required a lot of help, in the rain, in the mud, to get out. Required a lot of patience.

Eventually got out.

What an awful feeling when the tires gave up any hold on the mud. I feel like I did it to myself. Made a mistake. That involved significant and concerted assistance to get out of. Shame. Shame. It feels like being under one of those orange keep-food-warm lights at the cafeteria long ago. Searing, broiling orange heat.

1 November 97

Visiting Mom in the desert.

Drank six beers, smoked almost all of a Paul Garmirian corona. Bought some clothes that will fit, Dockers and shirts. Saw a *gorgeous* Chicana at the mall, incredible breasts and slim hips, really, really ultrafuckable.

Cooking ribs. Try and connect Zip drive to PowerBook later on, brought it with me.

Low on battery power. This is the new battery I bought and conditioned, took about half a charge.

I am really incredibly fat, way, way overweight. This could end my life, I have to stop drinking so much/intaking so many calories. How to get more exercise painlessly? Riding to and from Rockwell worked along with the Soloflex AND NOT DRINKING back in '93. When I weighed 160!!

Now I weigh 240 or so. Great.

I drink too much. A night without enough beer or wine to dissolve the obvious issues is a night not well spent. Drink until it doesn't matter.

Went to the mall with Diane, very frustrating. Diane can't carry on a conversation, can't do the most basic, simple thing as far as social interaction goes. She has parts missing. When I slam up against it and there is not conceivable (ha) reason to stay with her the fact that I am staying with her, not with her but with Flynn, is painful, I feel stupid for wasting my life this way. I like spending time with Flynn, he is the center of my life, but life with Diane is an exquisitely frustrating and meaningless waste of time, she doesn't pick up on the simplest concept, no matter how finely it's chopped up for her. Why am I wasting my time???

...

sunday

Visiting Mom in the desert with my delightful little son and my unfortunate choice of a second wife. I really know how to pick 'em, don't I?

Took Flynn to one of little friend's birthday party yesterday from noon to three, hot day out, he skipped his nap, fairly exhausting. Then we drove out here. The best way to deal with living with Diane is to just ignore her. She says stupid things and drives like shit, just close my eyes except when we're actually about to have an accident. "Whoa Pook. Whoa Pook. Whoa Pook. Please do not kill us."

I mean, can't you SEE that car merging into this lane, getting on the freeway? Maybe driving 75 in the slow lane is not a good idea? What do *you* think, Honey? I think you're not all there, there is something missing from your makeup, there is a chunk missing and you don't even know it.

Flynn is now three. I was planning on staying for 18 months. Three years is 36 months. I'm good and sick of Diane in every way by this time. Smoking, the dog, stupidity, lack of some elemental block of character...

Unhappy with Diane. As evidenced by my IMMENSE size, I've never been fatter than this. I eat and drink to block out Diane. I just want to blot it all out. Go ahead, say the stupidest things you can, I'm going to drink four beers and retire to my little room and ignore you, dream of other days and basically NOT BE HERE WITH YOU.

I'd really like to establish and maintain at least a diary of who does what with Flynn and account for hours and activities, I think that would be a real eye-opener in six months.

My family seems to like Diane just fine. THEY CAN HAVE HER. I'll take Flynn.

Flynn has been really uppity since my return from Baja and his Hawaii trip.

Would also like to get a small video camera to record just how things Diane says lead to conflict. I don't see or expect how demonstrating or even charting out how the things she says and does lead to conflict, by this time I do not believe that Diane is all there.

What else? Not much. Work continues. Yawn. The house is ok, I guess. Moved the bricks I'd bought back to where I'm going to position them, bought two more 50 lb. bags of sand on Friday after going to the market after picking up the VW parts after picking up the new clothes.

Wore the new clothes yesterday, looked nice, it was hot out, though. I may be nicely dressed, but I'm still really fat.

Wearing contact lenses, finally ran across those yesterday. Kind of a change.

What else? Have to replace the points and condensor on the Campmobile, try and set the timing and all that. Running very poorly. Also some white smoke from the port scoop. Oil on the engine? Valve is shot? I do not own a compression tester, I'm unsure what the condition of the engine is.

Was thinking of a BMW 2002, that would be fun. No money, of course.

What else? Not much else.

---

2010: Messages from the past like this remind me of what my married life was like, and it was not pleasant. Diane ended up having some kind of mental breakdown or whatever you'd call it. Which has been going on and on and on for five years, now. At least she never participated in our family life, which was good as far as carrying on without was concerned for the kids, who have never once said "I miss mom" or anything of the sort. Go figure. But, God, I remember those horrible days of being with her and being so unhappy and so dissatisfied -- it was really miserable. I mean, it was really bad. I wish that I could say that I missed her even a little bit, but that simply is not the case at all. As far from that as you can get.