"Let's get a divorce"

OK. You leave, I keep the house and the kids. You send money. See ya.

000218

Hey, you know what? This is MY web site, and I'll put EXACTLY WHAT I PLEASE up on this page. And if you don't like it, maybe you can change the way you act so that you will no longer be perceived as one of Marge's sisters on The Simpsons -- but if the shoe fits, having a fit will not shoo away that perception!

YOU THINK I'M GOING TO SLEEP FOREVER??

000131

Monday. A little rain, a Rams Super Bowl win. YOW. Ecstatic about that. Still no Campmobile, gotta call the garage again today. Been about a month at C&F in Costa Mesa.

Back at work again. Monday always finds me exhausted, just the opposite of what I'd expect. Took the kids to an athletic field (soggy) at the high school, Flynn and Diane kicked the soccer ball around, I chased Cassidy and flew the water rocket I found on eBay last year. The rubber band powered airplane crashed hard again, then Cassidy crushed it a couple of times. Oops. Time to build the second airplane. I had bought two kits with this in mind...

What else? Nearly out of cigars. Insidious habit, a real addiction. Not happy about doing without tobacco. Oh well. Just as well. Gotta ship some more stuff that was sold on eBay. Get rid of stuff. Finally.

Time to do some work, learn how to use the copy of Macromedia Flash I bought -- exciting software.

000111

Tuesday. Some days I just can't believe how routine my life has become, I mean it's practically dreamless by this stage. Driving to work with Diane is uncomfortable. She listens to sports talk AM radio and smokes another cigarette. If I don't dream up conversation, none occurs. I feel like I've crashlanded on this planet and that I'm the only creature with an original thought.

Took the family out to dinner last night. Cassidy seemed entertained. I walked her to sleep yet again last night. Which I know Diane appreciates. Ha. Ha. Ha. This will only continue as long as I let it. Hey, maybe I'll just drink a lot and gain a hundred pounds to cope with my unhappiness. Maybe I'll hope that Diane becomes more sensitive and caring.

000110

Sick on Friday. This is Monday. Printing invitations for the holiday party. Unsure which holiday it's supposed to relate to since it takes place at the end of January. The Super Bowl ought to count as a major American holiday.

Called C&F about the Campmobile. Which I haven't driven in MONTHS. They had some guesses. Better than guesses.

Bad weekend. Sick. Cassidy was cranky. Diane was an utter pill. Now I understand what "staying together for the sake of the kids" meant -- but were other spouses in other marriages as bad as this? Making plans to affect major changes. To aim at. Time is going by, make real changes and greatly improve my life and the lives of the kids.

991223

Stopped and bought bagels for the office. Took Flynn to day care. Drove the rental Sunpotato to work. Here I sit.

Can hardly wait to wrap things up and get out of here. Time off. Thank God.

Gotta tweak these fucking graphs again, kill them off...

991222

Ah yes. Christmas here in San Diego. It's 80 degrees during the day.

It would be nice to at least have some cool weather (50 degrees). It's always hot here. It's always sunny here. Even at night.

Bailed out my car last night pending its being towed to Orange County today. $500 and I have it towed off their lot? Not impressive.

Thought I had money left over. I'm actually overdrawn. Terrific.

$1200 for Diane's gift. $500 for the car. Been selling everything I own on eBay. And I'm still overdrawn by about $16. Terrific. Really.

I sure miss having dope. "Light of Life" as I once heard it called -- Shel Silverstein's The Smoke Off. Been a long, dry year, and my one ace is long gone.

Driving some fucking rental car, some kind of Pontiac Sunbird or Sunfire or Sunpotato... disgusting. Noisy, cheaply made... I miss the Volkswagen. The Volkswagen is fun to drive.

What the fuck is wrong with the Volkswagen? It has been out of service for THREE MONTHS! The garage time was a total waste of time. There was nothing wrong with the original ECU. They were just guessing. More San Diego incompetence.

Tunnel Hunt. Is this the name of that planet-maze game I used to play at OCC in 1984? Is that when that was?

I had a night class of some kind, would eat in the cafeteria for CHEAP, play that game if I had a quarter left on me... I have a PC game (Gravitron?) based on this arcade game. I wish I could have seen a screen shot from the list of arcade games page I found to know if this is the correct game or not.

Generally searching the web is nothing but frustrating.

Just about noon. 1999. June. Diane and the kids are at her parent's house.

Unsure of how long ago it was I ran out of dope. And that was the second quarter pound of underpowered ditchweed. I actually ran out of dope last 4th of July.

Certainly miss it.

Ought to eat something. Ought to get around to things I need to do today. Before I need to go back to work again tomorrow.

Very little money these days.

Have been making borderline CDs into MP3s anticipating selling the CDs. Need to sell the Soloflex. Never use it.

Gained two pounds last week after losing thirty pounds since the end of March.

Memorial Day was last weekend, it was a big disappointment. Never relaxed, never happy.

At least Diane and the kids are gone today and I have a small clear spot. If only to reflect on exactly how unhappy I am.

I *TRULY* hate San Diego. This place really, REALLY sucks. I genuinely despise San Diego.

Instead of my computer desk, the keyboard is up on the kitchen counter, which is much too high for any kind of work surface. Thanks, Diane. Part of her stupid kitchen project. Ugly cabinets and an ugly counter top. At least this part of the counter used to be lower. Why did I let her use my computer desk? So that she wouldn't put her work computer on the kitchen table again.

Like she had done doing freelance work. Which I hated. When that computer finally went, she got the work computer.

And she wonders why I'm unhappy.

The phone is ringing. I doubt it's anyone I want to talk to.

Nope, sure wasn't.

Time to eat something.

...

99.06.06
5.32

Managed to lose several paragraphs due to a crash. Lovely.

Turned off the table fan, which is squeaking. Very annoying.

Fucking computer crash. Just great.

Finishing the bottles of vodka and Midori I bought on Friday. Sure miss smoking dope. Have one 1/2" tall seedling outside. Bad germination. Not encouraging. Have no place to set up a garden. Maybe in the garage. Or not.

No money. Need to remember debits and determine how little money I have left. Need to deposit the $50 check from Back to Basics Toys. They fucked up as far as customer service on Flynn's toy helicopter. Would prefer NOT to deposit that check at all.

Submitted a $488 form for day care reimbursement Friday.

This is June. I believe I need to pay another chunk on the credit card debt. Had sent them $2,000 last year. $200 earlier this year. I do not have the money in my account at this time. Need to send money to pay for this new computer. The one that just crashed...

Sell CDs, sell the Soloflex (again)... sell that radio I bought last year to record the Dr. D. 1976 songs show. Ends are not meeting. The day care costs are greater than the mortgage costs.

No dope.

Screaming fight with Diane last night. Fuck off, Diane. You have provided me with what I could not provide myself with, children. Now just get lost. Fuck off. Leave the house and the kids. See ya.

Stick around until the kids are both old enough to say "We'd like to be with Dad." The kids LIKE me, which is gratifying beyond words. Last weekend I was encouraging Flynn to play with Diane, and Flynn actually said "I love you more." Hahaha. Nice work, Diane.

Hey, at least she was fertile enough to carry half the time... 2/4 pregnancies resulted in live births...

I remember Mark McCutchen commenting on how calm I was last summer before Cassidy was born... I told him that after two miscarriages, this pregnancy would almost certainly result in a live birth, so I had no reason to worry...

The tiny bug was born last August... now she can *almost* walk... she gets in to LOTS of mischief...

Thinking about going and cleaning the shower... it's disgusting... after I finish this huge drink... as if it would give me a tenth of what a couple of decent bongloads would give me... some kind of space, slack, true relief...

I truly miss smoking dope. I forget when I ran out, but it's been a while... even then, the dope I had was not that great. Two disappointing $500 quarter pounds... wholesale rate...

Stopped growing dope when Diane was pregnant with Flynn...

I was excited and relieved to have a 1/4 pound last November... got home with it, I remember leaving the bathroom wondering "am I high..? I don't *feel* high..." it took a while for it to sink in that this was underpowered dope again. Damn. A real sharp disappointment.

Found some scraps in a bag of seeds last weekend, that was good for about two hits... anything is better than nothing... homegrown was sufficient at one time...

Which is not to say that I was not grateful for the powerful dope I had on hand in 1995 when we moved to this fucking wasteland and Jerry Garcia died.

The kind of dope you could get TOO high on. Uncomfortably high. I like a good stoned high, but not a paralyzing high...

Mature seeded dope is the best...

Used the push mower, put that together, figured out that the grass catcher was meant for a back-throw mower... just mowed the fucking lawn... I don't see any problem with the grass trimmings being left on the lawn... put several handfuls in the flower beds... mulch... high nitrogen... leave it alone...

Diane having had this stupid ugly counter installed so fucking high makes it impossible to comfortably type on... my wrists have been FLAMING after the past several busy weeks at work... another busy week beginning tomorrow...

I could drink until the room spins and it still wouldn't be anything that just a couple of hits of the most humble homegrown would provide...

Had been listening to Bowie's Bewlay Brothers mp3 until the crash... MacAmp is unstable at best... kind of like Windows 3.1 and comm programs...

Ah me...

So he could scream and still relax...

Think I'll close this babble and fire that up again... finish my drink and then go clean the shower...

...

Sunday

Took Flynn to Carly's 7th birthday party today. Diane stayed home with the baby. Diane's been unpleasant for some time now.

Didn't ask Bob if he'd be seeing Keith. A thousand dollars of ditchweed is far too much. Maybe ask Mike if he knows where to look.

What else? Nothing. No alcohol. No dope. Unpleasant shrew of a wife. Life is great. Just great.

Nice to be away from Diane today. Had fun with Flynn. Had fun seeing Kelly and Bob. Tomorrow I go back to work yet again.

Removed the rear bumper light, that was causing the aux battery to drain. Too bad.

What else? Nothing else. I wish there was something else. Like some dope. Maybe grow some more. Where? In the '65 in the garage? Maybe. That's months away from being available. Long dry spell.

No money for dope, really. Very unhappy with the two last crappy quarter pounds. That's a lot of bad dope. It really is. Severe disappointment.

What else? Nothing else. At all. Nothing else. Go back to sleep. Get up at 4 in the morning. Do it all over again.

Camping next weekend. An adventure. Hope that goes well.





99.03.20
Saturday

The endless nightmare of married life continues. I think I'd rather be dead. Which is why I've become so fucking fat. Might as well end it in a socially acceptable way.

Changed three out of four spark plugs this morning, didn't have a fourth new plug. Hope that helps.

Planning a camping trip next weekend plus Friday to Little Blair Valley, 78 to S-2 with Randy. Hope that works out well.

Have the fuse for the voltmeter that I'd wired the reverse light switch into out. See if that solves the draining battery problem. I imagine that I wired the light wrong and it's been draining the battery.

Eating some taquitos now.

Maybe go remove the wire to the reverse light so that the voltmeter will still work.

Out of dope for a week now. Out of dope worth its name since July. Haven't been high since July. Maybe longer. Was the dope I had before that any good?

Have about a hundred dollars on hand. Owe Toni $39 or so for the Girl Scout Cookies I ordered. Damn. Low on money.

Also ordered things from eBay, kind of a waste of money. Last pay period I bought some new clothes. Before that the trouble with the lights left on/new batteries/tow/repair because I didn't see a cap on the negative battery post. Waste of money.

Having no dope makes living with Diane just about impossible. She's a slug. However, at the moment, she's doing one of her manic cleanings of the kitchen. She's insane. That is the proverbial gospel truth. She is not in her right mind. Why did I marry her? Wanted kids.

I like Flynn and the bug. Diane is no fun to live with, she never has anything to say, is slovenly and lazy and has never been particularly feminine. But here I am. And here I am getting fatter and fatter and being pretty much enthused about a fatal heart attack. And door to get out of here.

Moved to OB several years ago, missed Flynn too much to stay there.

Obviously relying on Diane for birth control was a bad idea. But totally in keeping with the rest of our nightmare marriage. She doesn't get ANYTHING. She is just a clueless person. It's like living with Oscar Klugman from The Odd Couple, it really is.

Sure miss having dope.

tuesday.

Lots of work to do. Heard from Randy this morning, he's planning a trip to Baja next spring. Feel excited for him. I'd love to take another Baja trip.

I've actually felt happy and excited all morning just thinking about it. What an adventure that was. Especially considering I spend my life sitting in this half-cubicle or sitting in traffic driving back and forth from home to work and from work to home. Wahoo.

Feel somewhat domesticated, Diane paid some attention to me last night. I was up on time again this morning, got Flynn out of bed, got him ready to go, et cetera, et cetera. Taking care of my little family unit. I actually didn't feel guilty or reserved at all about enjoying the attention. When you've earned the reward, don't be bashful about picking up your chips.

The local service bureau set up an FTP site at long last, that ought to make life easier.

monday.

Busy enough at work. Squabbling with Diane. That would be my spouse. Marriage makes possible a degree of unhappiness only dreamt of while single.

Of course, the possibility of simply having made a terrible choice as far as a partner goes comes to my mind. I wanted a breeding partner. That is all I got.

So I can't say as I'm terribly happy today. I feel like I'm an indentured servant of some kind, I'm there to do chores and be with the kids, while I'm also prohibited from dating or even sportfucking. Not a good arrangement.

barbecue

Sitting by my small barbecue on Saturday evening drinking cold Tecate in red cans, near sunset. Pork chops and chicken breasts on the cast iron griddle which is on top of the folding grill which is above the hibachi which is full of hot coals which is sitting on two bricks.

Looks funky but it works well.

Really enjoyed sitting there. Had enjoyed a nice day, drove to Ocean Beach with Flynn. This seemed like a really long drive and I wondered why I was doing it. Recycled some oil, got breakfast to go from Little Chef and drove to Point Loma, parked the Campmobile and set up the table, served Flynn breakfast.

The idea had occured to me when we got there. It was fun. It was new. It was worth doing.

We sat and ate and enjoyed the view of wildflowers in the foreground and the breaking waves in the background. Really nice. Then we read a Dr. Suess book then drove to the big playground and then headed home.

Did some gardening at home, Flynn took a nap, I started getting ready to cook dinner about four o'clock. Roasted some potatoes in the 10" Dutch oven, made up a batch of biscuit dough.

After a few turns on the grill I brushed the pork chops and chicken breasts with barbecue sauce and watched them cook the last few minutes.

Satisfying. A good day.