monday

Arranged to let Diane see the kids Saturdays. After Cassidy and I picked Flynn up we got a pair of Nextel phones with the "Direct Connect" feature should he need to reach me in a hurry. Not wholly satisfied with the arrangement.

Diane came over to visit about five and stayed until about six-thirty. Fed her the chicken picatta I'd started to make yesterday, plus the stuffed baked potatoes and biscuits. Tasty dinner. She and the kids ate cupcakes after that. I'd dropped little chunks of chocolate into each cupcake cup as they began to bake. Very tasty.

Had a huge fight with Cassidy about brushing her teeth this morning. I finally brushed her teeth for her. She drags her feet every morning about brushing her teeth.

Long hard day. Ready for it to be over.

muffins

These are DELICIOUS!!! Flynn turned up his nose at the mention of blueberries, much less raspberries, but the muffins are really delicious!!! Stuck four potatoes in the oven to bake. Make stuffed baked potatoes later on.

Still need to clean the bathrooms and chase Flynn into the tub. And vacuum the living room rug. And clean up the fireplace area. Get a fire ready to light this afternoon/evening. "Home" means a fire in the fireplace.

another sunny day

Making blueberry-raspberry muffins. Ran out of oatmeal. Recipe called for two cups, I had one cup. Looks like they're rising in the oven. Used a sprinkle of Halloween orange sugar decoration on the tops of the muffins. Somewhat lurid-looking. I'll try white sugar for the next batch.

Diane is supposed to visit today sometime. Going to make chicken picatta, a favorite dish of hers that I make. And a salad. And some biscuits. And maybe some mashed potatoes and gravy. And a cake. Or cupcakes. After I'm done baking the muffins. Maybe I'll grill the chicken.

Stomach feels weird from all the Advil. Heel is hurting less. Although the discomfort in my stomach is roughly equivalent to the discomfort from my heel.

What else? I need to clean the small bathroom. And the large bathroom.

Maybe grilling the chicken and potatoes would be the easy way to go. I had made some stuffed baked potatoes a while back when I thought Diane was going to visit. Maybe I ought to make those instead of mashed potatoes. I can make the chicken picatta on the stovetop. I'll need the oven for the stuffed potatoes and the biscuits. I'd better get started on the potatoes immediately if I want those to be ready. How much buttermilk do the stuffed baked potatoes need? I have a quart and I'll need half of it for the biscuits.

Time to go and cook more. The muffins ought to be about ready to come out of the oven and cool... hope they turn out well...

saturday

I'm tired. Waiting for Flynn to call us to come pick him up from his friend's house. I cleaned the house and did laundry. Still have to clean the bathrooms. And do some cooking tomorrow.

Diane called last night after nine o'clock and said that she'd like to come over tomorrow about one. So I was cleaning the house most of the day. And I washed the car. And between the first part of this paragraph and this sentence I went to get Flynn, who called, and we stopped at Rubio's Fish Tacos. Got home and ate fish tacos. Flynn had a bean and cheese burrito.

Put all but one of the eight new vents on the places where the big fans had been to dry out the water from the leaky pipe. Broke two or three drill bits. Do I have any SHARP drill bits? I certainly don't think so.

Attached the two big trellis (trellii?) to the fence. I want to plant morning glories and moonflowers there and have them grow up the trellis. They're attached to the fence right outside the dining room window, so that will be something nicer to look at than the fence and Tony and Rosa's roof. It will also give us some privacy on those rare occasions when Tony and Rosa have their door opened. I'd like to plant those seeds soon, I have amendment for that patch of soil.

Got an e-mail from a [breed name removed due to psychotic first wife's cyberstalking] breeder I'd contacted, she has a three-year old male cat that may be available. Not a kitten. I've never had a male cat before. Pleased and excited about the idea of having a cat again. That breed sounds like a very nice match. Well, shit, checking my e-mail just now I have another message from the breeder telling me that the three-year old male cat has already found a home. Too bad. Stay tuned for a kitten.

What else? Partially changed the water in the ten-gallon tank, rearranged the rocks in there. Fish seem content.

Need to bathe the kids before Diane comes over. Bought some chicken and some flat-leaf parsley to make chicken picatta out of. And some buttermilk to make some biscuits. That ought to be tasty. Whether or not she comes over. I was going to make some blueberry-raspberry muffins, too. And a cake. Or some cupcakes.

Washed the sheets on all three beds/futons. Need to make Cassidy's bed and Flynn's futon. And my futon. I'm tired. It's quarter to seven by now. Felt better after eating.

What else? Not much else. Better get the beds made. I'm not going to want to do that more as the evening goes on, I'm going to want to go to sleep. Cleaned the kid's rooms today. Swept, Swiffered and wet-Swiffered the dining room and living room floors. Still have to clean the bathrooms... don't think I'm going to get around to that tonight.

Time to take more Advil. The doctor recommended 800mg of Advil three times a day. Makes my stomach feel odd. My left heel hasn't hurt as much since taking all the Advil, however...

Time to go make the beds...

thursday

Rearranged the cameras after the electrician installed the new exterior light. I like being able to see what's happening outside of the house. I moved the color camera so that I can see the hummingbird feeder and the front door at the same time.

photographic ruminations

I've been looking at the Canon 20D, which has a good price for the features it has, and I'm trying to choose a lens. Apparently the 20D has a 1.6x magnification, so a 35mm would act close to a 50mm. Have you ever used a 24mm lens? The idea of being able to stuff more in a scene is appealing, but the price of having bulbous noses on people shots is not attractive. I don't want to get a zoom lens, I want a FAST lens, so my first thought was the 50mm f/1.4. I don't want to tote around a camera bag, but lately I'm thinking that if I budget further and get the 24mm and the (cheaper but well-made) 50mm I ought to have a decent range.

I'd bought a Canon E7 for the big trip to Hawaii several years ago and I took the worst pictures I've ever taken in my entire life with the setup. Lots and lots of them. Thank God the scenery was beautiful, you can't fuck that up too much... those shots are ok. I got better photos using my digital Nikon 950 (somewhat long in the tooth) and some really nice little FujiFilm disposable *underwater* cameras. I also had a cheap point-n-shoot with a date stamp, which I thought was cool. Crappy lens, though, worse than the Nikon 950. The colors from the FujiFilm underwater cameras were intense and deep and the photos weren't bad considering it had a plastic lens.

Once upon a time I had a Pentax K1000 and a 50mm f/1.4 lens and life was good. Then my house burned down and I took the burned-up corpse of my camera to the camera shop and they were kind but smiled and explained that restoring a $100 camera would not be practical... bought two more setups like that... only got rid of the third K1000 when I got my Nikon 950. Digital cameras = fuzzy pictures faster. It's a nice little camera and sometimes it will produce a nice photo, but there are a lot of shots you're glad you're able to preview and delete right away. I'd like a "real" camera again.

after the flood

The water's back on and now the electricity is back on, too. I'd forgotten there's a second circuit breaker box on the other side of the garage.

Haven't seen Diane in two weeks. Saturday before last she said that she was coming down with a cold. And she decided against seeing the kids that weekend. Called her yesterday. No word back.

Supposed to go to court this Friday. Asked Mrs. Gordon to take the kids to school since I need to be there at eight o'clock.

Bought a piece of bull-nosed melamine at Home Depot this morning and put it on the laundry room wall between the two cabinets. Looks good. Put the cookbooks on it. They'd been on top of the refrigerator. In back of them were the ice cream glasses and the banana split glasses, all of which met the floor yesterday around this time and had to be cleaned up. Quite pleased with the new shelf.

this is the letter

Aurora Behavioral – PLEASE ROUTE TO PHP – Attention Donna or Peggy

RE: Diane Wagner

October 13, 2004

Dear Donna and/or Peggy:

Diane Wagner’s psychologist, Dr. David Diamond (858 673-xxxx), contacted me this evening and advised me to contact you. He also recommended that I deliver Diane’s current medications to the front desk at Aurora Behavioral, which I did.

Dr. Diamond explained that Diane was afraid of me and would be spending at least one night in a hotel, which is fine by me. Dr. Diamond further explained that Diane expressed that I had “cut her clothes,” which is not true, has never been true, nor will it ever be true.

Diane took at least one pill too many either Monday night or early Tuesday, which prompted Peggy and Dr. Bogart (filling in for Dr. Chavez, who remains on vacation) to recommend that she be taken to the emergency room. After about six hours there she was discharged and we went home.

Diane spent the remainder of Tuesday afternoon and evening hallucinating or experiencing delusions. For instance, she insisted that she had an appointment with Dr. Diamond on Tuesday afternoon at four o’clock – I know that Dr. Diamond teaches on Tuesday afternoons, yet took her to his office, helped her stagger up the few stairs and eventually knocked on his inner office door, which brought his wife, Dr. Martha Diamond, out of her inner office to speak with us. I apologized for disturbing her and we went home again.

Driving home, Diane said that she wanted to go to Aurora Behavioral, so I made a U-turn when safe and took her to the front door of Aurora Behavorial. There she insisted, adamantly insisted, that she wanted to go home. Having no where to leave them, I had taken our two children, ages 10 and 6, along with us. By this time they were frightened and crying and I was just about beside myself. I told her that I’d take her home if she would go to bed and sleep it off. She agreed.

When we arrived home, Diane busied herself endlessly organizing and shuffling the paperwork that she’s accumulated over the summer and packing and unpacking the suitcase she’s used while hospitalized. I made her two sandwiches at two different times, each of which I found partially disassembled in the bedclothes. I gave up on the notion of feeding her. She carried on conversations with persons whom did not appear to be there. For hours and hours, on into the night.

I did not see her reclining at any point, and I do not believe that she slept at all until about four o’clock Wednesday morning. About one o’clock Wednesday morning I woke up when she stumbled into a standing fan we have in our bedroom. I fixed the fan and picked up some of the debris she’d scattered around the room when I smelled natural gas. I went to the kitchen and shut off an unlit gas burner on the stove, then opened and ventilated the house.

The idea of an accidental gas leak frightened me, and I remained awake the rest of the night. About half past three Wednesday morning I saw Diane walk past me heading to our daughter’s room. She partially disrobed, explaining that she had to use the bathroom. I didn’t bother to mention that our bedroom has a larger bathroom and that it was not appropriate to be disrobing in our daughter’s bedroom in anticipation of using the bathroom. While she peed I picked up the clothing she’d discarded and waited to escort her back to bed. She asked if my mother had driven her own car home – my mother hasn’t visited our home since mid-summer. I explained this and suggested that she turn in. And she did.

I woke her up about an hour before we had to leave for PHP as I was taking the kids to school. When I returned a few minutes before eight Diane was awake, partially dressed, and as incoherent as she’d been the day before. She was better on her feet and didn’t have to be half-carried to and from the car.

I gently encouraged her to get ready so that we could arrive on time. She was ready to go at quarter past eight, which is the time I’d understood she should have been at the PHP building. On the way to Aurora Behavioral she had sharply asked if we were going straight to Aurora or not. I assured her that we were. She unbuckled her seat belt and reached into the back seat to get her bag of paperwork and cigarettes, mumbling something about “getting out of here in a hurry,” referring to the car ride. I slowed the car to find a parking space and she unbuckled her seat belt and left the car. I found a parking space and made my way to the PHP building and asked for Peggy. Donna introduced herself and suggested that we speak in a small office.

I explained what had happened on Tuesday and on Wednesday morning. Diane had mentioned to Donna that she did not want to be re-admitted. I explained to Donna that I wasn’t as interested in Diane’s re-admission as I was in obtaining a restraining order on Diane. That didn’t appear to sink in.

Given just how rough the sledding has been since Diane’s illness surfaced, I am incredulous and astounded that Diane would be frightened of me or would accuse me of cutting her clothes, losing her car keys, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum, ad nauseum. I have done everything I can do to help and support her, but the events of Diane’s overdose on Tuesday were more than I can handle. PLEASE encourage Diane to remain at a hotel. I am in no way interested in her returning home. Given the ten years of our marriage I cannot express how deeply hurt I am at her sudden psychotic behavior towards me – I’ve had enough.

I did not sense any real connection with Donna, though she used the word “dump” to describe abandoning a patient, and the way she used the word made me think that it was a regular part of the vocabulary at Aurora or PHP. I’m sorry that Diane is not well, but I have done everything that I can do to support, nurture and care for her over the years, while she has, to be blunt, ignored me and the kids each and every step of the way, plunging into one and then another hobby or pasttime provided it absorbed her interest enough to blot us out.

In the meantime, I have raised the kids. I cook. I clean. I get them to school on time and see that homework is completed. And along the way I have knit a family unit which she has repeatedly chosen not to be a part of. And now this recurrence of her depression and anxiety.

I’ve had enough. Her not wanting to participate in the family was her choice, and it’s not my personality to try and sway or change anyone. I did what I felt was best for the kids. She golfed, I read Dr. Seuss books and watched Barney videotapes with the kids. She obsessively bought and sold baby clothes on eBay, I cooked kid-friendly food and built sandcastles. On and on. I have extensive photographic evidence of our activities as well as her various diversions, to say nothing of the circle of friends and acquaintances who have witnessed me with the kids at various sports and Cub Scout functions. I never nagged Diane about her lack of participation, I just went about my business raising the kids as best I could.

Did I mention her Doberman Pinscher? She acquired it last June with an eye towards showing it. Little did I realize when she asked if I’d mind if she got a puppy that she was going to obsessively train the dog. Then it turned out that her first dog had three genetically missing teeth, which meant that it couldn’t be a “show dog.” So she acquired a SECOND Doberman Pinscher. I am not making this up. This is in a 1200 square foot house with two small children. The second dog was not suitable for “show dog” status either, and this appears to have been the “trigger event” in her illness this summer and fall. She returned the second dog to its breeder against the promise of a future puppy.

I mention the dog because I’ve been taking care of it while she’s been ill. As well as taking care of the kids. And the house. And the bills. And Diane, visiting her at Aurora Behavioral and at Sharp Memorial, where she received ECT treatments. It’s been a long, hard row, and I’m exhausted. And now this. It’s more than I’m willing to stand for. Our relationship was paper-thin before her illness, and the latest wrinkle (I cut her clothes?) may as well have been our crossing the Rubicon – 'Alea iacta est' (The die is cast). Or, from the Talking Heads song the lyric “Take my compassion – push it as far as it goes.”

So, to recap my main point (at the suggestion of Dr. Diamond): No, I have NEVER cut ANY article of Diane’s clothing, EVER, not at any point since we met.

Is the next question ‘when did I stop beating my wife?’ I have zero interest in being drawn into anything resembling quicksand. I seriously doubt that anything remains of our marriage. I have no interest in Diane returning to our home. Things had been stressed way beyond specification following Diane’s month-long hospitalization, but there is simply no way I can overlook being accused of anything resembling doing harm to Diane, her dog, her property. I categorically deny any such accusation.

Perhaps you could suggest that she communicate through our attorney, Victor Ferrette (858 487-xxxx) or Dr. David Diamond (858 673-xxxx). I’m sorry that she’s sick, but I’ve had enough and I want out. I had asked Donna and later Dr. Diamond about obtaining a restraining order. I’ll pursue that further tomorrow morning.

Sincerely and resolutely,

Michael Wagner
858 485 xxxx Home
858 382 xxxx Mobile
receiver@trip.net

timeline

2000
Diane gets a prescription for Prozac from Dr. Broadkin. No "talk therapy" accompanies this whatsoever.

Tuesday July 2004
Diane begins a new medication and in the evening is sitting on our bed going "WAAH. WAAAH." over and over and over again, without cessation. I want to take her to the emergency room. We're halfway there and she insists that it's not a reaction to her medication. We head back home.

July 9
We take Diane to Aurora and she checks in for two weeks

Two Weeks Later
Diane is transferred to Sharp Memorial for Electro-Convulsive Therapy

Two Weeks Later
Diane is released and we drive her home

The Next Week
We take her to two ECT sessions. I see no improvement and try to get hold of Dr. Fideleo, her shock doc. He proves very difficult to reach. I decide to cancel her next ECT appointment, which was scheduled for Friday the 13th. I do not see that the ECT is doing her any good at all and may be frying her brain down to nothing. How ECT is therapeutic remains beyond my comprehension. It seems like it's a bare step above applying leeches.

The Next Few Weeks
Diane hangs around the house not doing much of anything, and not participating in the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) which Dr. Diamond (our psychologist) and the psychiatrist @ Aurora recommend that she participate in.

After That
Diane decides that the PHP might be a good thing and begins participating in the program.

After That
Diane had taken over her own medication administration about a week after the last ECT session. One night she overdoses on one of her medications. She's wobbly like she has no bones in the morning and wants to go to her program anyway. I insist that they're going to send her to the emergency room. I drag her to the car. I drag her into the building. They insist that she go to the emergency room. I drag her back to the car. I drag her to the emergency room. They keep an eye on her for a while. We take her home again. She's not as wobbly, but is clearly not herself. This is a long afternoon and a very long night with Diane hallucinating and acting delusional. In the morning she jumped out of the car and ran to her program, apparently thinking I had "cut her clothes" or otherwise wronged her. I hear from Dr. Diamond that she does not feel safe at home. I assure him that I do not want her to return and that she's only too welcome to remain far, far away. Dr. Diamond recommends that I write a letter to the nurses at the PHP stating that I did not "cut her clothes," which I write at once. Writing the letter clarified issues in my mind and presented a course of action which I have followed since that time. Our marriage was over and now Diane was perceived as a potential threat to the kids, through action or inaction. And that was that.

I researched and contacted a lawyer's office specializing in family law. And proceeded. Paperwork was filed.

I had the locks changed and Diane materialized that Friday night, looking rather pale. She had walked from Dr. Diamond's office. So we drove her to Aurora Behavioral (again) so that she could check herself in again.

I forget how long she stayed there that time.

She was released and asked to stay at the house while she looked for somewhere to live with her stupid fucking dog (love you too, Diane). That ended up being two weeks, which I spent dozing on the couch making sure she wasn't going to mistake the kids for loaves of bread and slice them up or something.

Oh, did I mention that during all of the hospitalizations I was watching her dog? Her Doberman Pinscher..? What kind of selfish nimrod is going to acquire a Doberman Fucking Pinscher while living with and ostensibly helping to raise two small children in a 1200 square foot house..?!?! But I digress.

She finds a house, I help move her stuff out of the house, she finally packs some things... she's gone. Wow. Ah, wait, then Dr. Diamond contacts me and then Diane contacts me asking if I can go to her new house and get her dog and watch it for up to a month while she's hospitalized again. She has a breeder out in Alpine who can watch it. I look on the computer to see where this place is, it's 42 miles away out in meth lab country. So I elect to keep the dog here. The dog seems satisfied with the arrangement. The dog seems happy to have someone who walks it and feeds it. A week later Diane and her sister Martha collect the dog.

That's about the whole story as I can remember it.

leak

When I was stacking firewood on Saturday I heard water running inside the house or under the house. Called Plumbing Plus and they sent out Randy the plumber. He reported that there's a lake under the house and that the lake has to go before he can get at the problem.

We need to keep the water off as much as possible until a restoration company begins to dry out the lake under the house and the water will need to be off for an extended period in order for the lake to be removed to the point where Randy can make the plumbing repairs. That ought to be interesting.

Explain what is happening to the kids. I don't want to go stay in a hotel. I'd rather stay here without running water.

Waiting for a call back from our claims adjuster or a company War and Cor used to work on their house called On The Level. Too bad this wasn't a problem that could be fixed quickly.

Marc Shular called and reminded me of the court appointment on the 21st. I was thinking about the plumbing problems at the time. So I was a bit distracted.

Heavy rain this morning on the way to school. Lots of rain. Not heavy, maybe, but there was a lot of it, a good rain. Now it's windy and it's stopped raining. It's supposed to be sunny again tomorrow. I'd just as soon that it continued to rain. Indefinitely.

Kind of upset about the plumbing thing, specifically about not having the water on and how the kids will deal with that. We can eat out so that we don't have to do dishes or clean cooking items. Keep the water turned off. Dishwasher is still running. Shut the water off once the dishwasher is done. Then I think I'll cut that hedge back by Cassidy's window so that it's easy to get at the water shutoff.

"And that's what's happening" and that's the end of the Howard Stern show again today. 10:25. Go get Cassidy in a little while.

Depressed when I think about Diane. What is she doing now? I keep getting bounce notices for her from her bank. An envelope arrived from her psychiatrist. Odd that she didn't give them her address. Bizarre that she's been as out of touch as she has been.

I feel badly about excluding her after her overdose, but enough was enough, to be blunt. She had to be a smartass and manage her own medication. And she fucked that up. And off she spun into never-never land. By way of the emergency room. I really should have been writing all this stuff down all year long in order to keep it straight in my memory now. That night she was delusional, the next morning she was acting really weird and just about jumped out of the car for her Partial Hospitalization Program as I drove her to Aurora Behavioral yet again. Then Dr. Diamond had suggested that I may want to write a letter stating that I had not "cut her clothes" in order to cover my own behind. Which I did. Writing that letter (where is that letter?) was the hinge the year turned on, things were clear to me after writing it and I've proceeded in a straight line from that point.

The thing about Diane's illness that baffles me is that, if she knew that she may someday become sick again, why did she act like such a little shit all those years? Being a curmudgeon is one thing, but being a jerk is another entirely. Put down some roots. Be part of the family. But no, we have to remain the visiting aunt from out of state who does things on her own... something or other like that. Be with the kids. Really be with them, kids know bullshit. Be here now. Be with us.

At least before she was in the house with us. Now, who knows? Nobody knows where you are / how near or how far...

heavy rain

about eight on Sunday. Just pissing down. Wonderful.

Bathed the kids. Watching "Star Wars" and listening to it rain.

Watched football and dozed on the couch. Nice day. Not much rain in the afternoon again but rain in the morning and as always real rain at night, for some reason. It always seem to rain at night here. Lots of rain lately. Very nice.

rain

More rain, thank God. Rained a fair part of yesterday.

Had a cord of avocado wood delivered yesterday. Stacked most of that and tossed the rest into the garage when it got close to 1:30 when the Rams-Seahawks game started.

No sign of Diane, who was going to come over on Thursday, then Friday, then possibly Saturday. Bought some Diet Pepsi for her to have when she comes over. Made chicken. Made a four-layer cake. Thought that we would see her more often than this.

Hope it rains all day. Every day. Forever.

Another suburban afternoon

Trying to keep Flynn focused on his homework. Rain appears to have stopped. Too bad. Surprisingly cool out today.

Make another salad later. That will be dinner.

rain most of the morning

Good rain, too. Rained all night from what I heard. Wonderful. I love rain.

Got the kids up and dressed and fed and off to school. Went to Stater Brothers to do the marketing. Went to Albertson's to buy stuff that I didn't find at Stater Brothers. Went to Home Depot, bought odds and ends. New furnace filters. Stuff like that. Raining hard while I was there and when I left to go to the car. Came home. Put groceries away. Went to get Cassidy.

Dragged her to Mervyn's and the shoe store, found a new pair of slip-on shoes for her and a new top and a new pair of pants and some new underwear. Also bought a sweatshirt for Flynn, I'm hoping that it's the correct size. Flynn does not like to shop.

Refilled the bird feeder. Bought more bird food at Home Depot, also. Was surprised to see it there. It came in a nice big plastic bottle with a lid, much better than five or ten pounds of bird food in a plastic bag. I like the bird feeder. The birds in the area are very pleased with the bird feeder. I might add a second bird feeder at some point.

Cool out today. Hope that it rains more.

pretty good rain

Earlier this morning, really a good rain. Stopped now. Maybe more later. I love rain. It can't rain enough.

Sorting out bills, trying to slay that last pile of clutter I ended up with. I'm as close to being organized as I've ever been. I just don't need all this stuff all over the place. Just get rid of things. A little bit at a time, get more and more organized, keep throwing stuff out that I don't need. It will be nice to have more space than I have clutter.

I need to attack the plastic filing cabinet that the air cleaner sits on. It's full and I have a big pile of stuff that needs to be filed. So go through the files and edit them down.

I intend to take Cassidy and buy some chicken at Bisher's (the good butcher shop that opened up in Poway two years ago this September) and to buy some flat-leaf parsley and some fruit at Plough Boys. I ran across some coupons for $5 off at Albertson's if I spent $50 or more -- wouldn't I save more not buying anything at Albertson's?

Time to sift through more clutter until it's time to go. Another fifteen minutes.