Aurora Behavioral – PLEASE ROUTE TO PHP – Attention Donna or Peggy
RE: Diane Wagner
October 13, 2004
Dear Donna and/or Peggy:
Diane Wagner’s psychologist, Dr. David Diamond (858 673-xxxx), contacted me this evening and advised me to contact you. He also recommended that I deliver Diane’s current medications to the front desk at Aurora Behavioral, which I did.
Dr. Diamond explained that Diane was afraid of me and would be spending at least one night in a hotel, which is fine by me. Dr. Diamond further explained that Diane expressed that I had “cut her clothes,” which is not true, has never been true, nor will it ever be true.
Diane took at least one pill too many either Monday night or early Tuesday, which prompted Peggy and Dr. Bogart (filling in for Dr. Chavez, who remains on vacation) to recommend that she be taken to the emergency room. After about six hours there she was discharged and we went home.
Diane spent the remainder of Tuesday afternoon and evening hallucinating or experiencing delusions. For instance, she insisted that she had an appointment with Dr. Diamond on Tuesday afternoon at four o’clock – I know that Dr. Diamond teaches on Tuesday afternoons, yet took her to his office, helped her stagger up the few stairs and eventually knocked on his inner office door, which brought his wife, Dr. Martha Diamond, out of her inner office to speak with us. I apologized for disturbing her and we went home again.
Driving home, Diane said that she wanted to go to Aurora Behavioral, so I made a U-turn when safe and took her to the front door of Aurora Behavorial. There she insisted, adamantly insisted, that she wanted to go home. Having no where to leave them, I had taken our two children, ages 10 and 6, along with us. By this time they were frightened and crying and I was just about beside myself. I told her that I’d take her home if she would go to bed and sleep it off. She agreed.
When we arrived home, Diane busied herself endlessly organizing and shuffling the paperwork that she’s accumulated over the summer and packing and unpacking the suitcase she’s used while hospitalized. I made her two sandwiches at two different times, each of which I found partially disassembled in the bedclothes. I gave up on the notion of feeding her. She carried on conversations with persons whom did not appear to be there. For hours and hours, on into the night.
I did not see her reclining at any point, and I do not believe that she slept at all until about four o’clock Wednesday morning. About one o’clock Wednesday morning I woke up when she stumbled into a standing fan we have in our bedroom. I fixed the fan and picked up some of the debris she’d scattered around the room when I smelled natural gas. I went to the kitchen and shut off an unlit gas burner on the stove, then opened and ventilated the house.
The idea of an accidental gas leak frightened me, and I remained awake the rest of the night. About half past three Wednesday morning I saw Diane walk past me heading to our daughter’s room. She partially disrobed, explaining that she had to use the bathroom. I didn’t bother to mention that our bedroom has a larger bathroom and that it was not appropriate to be disrobing in our daughter’s bedroom in anticipation of using the bathroom. While she peed I picked up the clothing she’d discarded and waited to escort her back to bed. She asked if my mother had driven her own car home – my mother hasn’t visited our home since mid-summer. I explained this and suggested that she turn in. And she did.
I woke her up about an hour before we had to leave for PHP as I was taking the kids to school. When I returned a few minutes before eight Diane was awake, partially dressed, and as incoherent as she’d been the day before. She was better on her feet and didn’t have to be half-carried to and from the car.
I gently encouraged her to get ready so that we could arrive on time. She was ready to go at quarter past eight, which is the time I’d understood she should have been at the PHP building. On the way to Aurora Behavioral she had sharply asked if we were going straight to Aurora or not. I assured her that we were. She unbuckled her seat belt and reached into the back seat to get her bag of paperwork and cigarettes, mumbling something about “getting out of here in a hurry,” referring to the car ride. I slowed the car to find a parking space and she unbuckled her seat belt and left the car. I found a parking space and made my way to the PHP building and asked for Peggy. Donna introduced herself and suggested that we speak in a small office.
I explained what had happened on Tuesday and on Wednesday morning. Diane had mentioned to Donna that she did not want to be re-admitted. I explained to Donna that I wasn’t as interested in Diane’s re-admission as I was in obtaining a restraining order on Diane. That didn’t appear to sink in.
Given just how rough the sledding has been since Diane’s illness surfaced, I am incredulous and astounded that Diane would be frightened of me or would accuse me of cutting her clothes, losing her car keys, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum, ad nauseum. I have done everything I can do to help and support her, but the events of Diane’s overdose on Tuesday were more than I can handle. PLEASE encourage Diane to remain at a hotel. I am in no way interested in her returning home. Given the ten years of our marriage I cannot express how deeply hurt I am at her sudden psychotic behavior towards me – I’ve had enough.
I did not sense any real connection with Donna, though she used the word “dump” to describe abandoning a patient, and the way she used the word made me think that it was a regular part of the vocabulary at Aurora or PHP. I’m sorry that Diane is not well, but I have done everything that I can do to support, nurture and care for her over the years, while she has, to be blunt, ignored me and the kids each and every step of the way, plunging into one and then another hobby or pasttime provided it absorbed her interest enough to blot us out.
In the meantime, I have raised the kids. I cook. I clean. I get them to school on time and see that homework is completed. And along the way I have knit a family unit which she has repeatedly chosen not to be a part of. And now this recurrence of her depression and anxiety.
I’ve had enough. Her not wanting to participate in the family was her choice, and it’s not my personality to try and sway or change anyone. I did what I felt was best for the kids. She golfed, I read Dr. Seuss books and watched Barney videotapes with the kids. She obsessively bought and sold baby clothes on eBay, I cooked kid-friendly food and built sandcastles. On and on. I have extensive photographic evidence of our activities as well as her various diversions, to say nothing of the circle of friends and acquaintances who have witnessed me with the kids at various sports and Cub Scout functions. I never nagged Diane about her lack of participation, I just went about my business raising the kids as best I could.
Did I mention her Doberman Pinscher? She acquired it last June with an eye towards showing it. Little did I realize when she asked if I’d mind if she got a puppy that she was going to obsessively train the dog. Then it turned out that her first dog had three genetically missing teeth, which meant that it couldn’t be a “show dog.” So she acquired a SECOND Doberman Pinscher. I am not making this up. This is in a 1200 square foot house with two small children. The second dog was not suitable for “show dog” status either, and this appears to have been the “trigger event” in her illness this summer and fall. She returned the second dog to its breeder against the promise of a future puppy.
I mention the dog because I’ve been taking care of it while she’s been ill. As well as taking care of the kids. And the house. And the bills. And Diane, visiting her at Aurora Behavioral and at Sharp Memorial, where she received ECT treatments. It’s been a long, hard row, and I’m exhausted. And now this. It’s more than I’m willing to stand for. Our relationship was paper-thin before her illness, and the latest wrinkle (I cut her clothes?) may as well have been our crossing the Rubicon – 'Alea iacta est' (The die is cast). Or, from the Talking Heads song the lyric “Take my compassion – push it as far as it goes.”
So, to recap my main point (at the suggestion of Dr. Diamond): No, I have NEVER cut ANY article of Diane’s clothing, EVER, not at any point since we met.
Is the next question ‘when did I stop beating my wife?’ I have zero interest in being drawn into anything resembling quicksand. I seriously doubt that anything remains of our marriage. I have no interest in Diane returning to our home. Things had been stressed way beyond specification following Diane’s month-long hospitalization, but there is simply no way I can overlook being accused of anything resembling doing harm to Diane, her dog, her property. I categorically deny any such accusation.
Perhaps you could suggest that she communicate through our attorney, Victor Ferrette (858 487-xxxx) or Dr. David Diamond (858 673-xxxx). I’m sorry that she’s sick, but I’ve had enough and I want out. I had asked Donna and later Dr. Diamond about obtaining a restraining order. I’ll pursue that further tomorrow morning.
Sincerely and resolutely,
Michael Wagner
858 485 xxxx Home
858 382 xxxx Mobile
receiver@trip.net
