Tuesday.

Another day. Sunny out, not too warm. Picked Cassidy up. Washed some dishes, washed some laundry. Ordered a juicer from amazon.com, looking forward to using that. Hope it works well. Need to mail some bills. Get those ready to go. Nothing else going on today that I'm aware of. Maybe get back to amending the last of the future lawn area. Might break down that Rubbermaid shed and keep things in the garage. The shed is not attractive.

I'd also like to get rid of some stuff in the garage. Too much clutter in there.

And that's about all the news, I guess.

 

Monday.

Here I sit. Flynn seemed to still have a pretty bad cough but he wanted to go to school. Got the kids to school on time yet again.

So that was the weekend. Why do I look forward to weekends? They're generally more work than weekdays. What is it that I'm looking forward to? Still kind of baffled why I spent so much of yesterday cooking. The kids didn't seem to care. I think that I'd rather have taken a nap.

At least dinner was over and the kids were bathed by six o'clock. It was nice not having to continue to work later than that.

I was dozing on the couch and Flynn wandered out, apparently sleepwalking, which is creepy-weird. I asked him if anything was wrong and he mumbled something about "36" and "Fixing the Jeep" which was really weird. I encouraged him to head back to bed.

What was it I was looking forward to this past weekend? I bought some more chicken manure on Friday but only found time to dig one bag in on Saturday, didn't touch the yard on Sunday. Got up at 5:30 Sunday morning to hide Easter eggs. Why do I do so much work around the house? What is the point? The kids seem to take everything I do for granted. Why do I bother?

Whether or not we'll be able to remain in this house is up in the air, that's uncomfortable.

Diane was over on Friday afternoon for a short time and came over to collect the kids at 1 on Saturday. She'd mentioned she'd be over about 10 Saturday. She took them to a local bookstore and then brought them back here to dye Easter eggs. Which suited me. I'd rather keep the kids close by.

Finish amending the yard. Get some grass seed and something to cover the seed. Grow a new lawn. If we have to sell the house that ought to make it easier to get done.

What's the point? Last week was shitty from start to finish. Why was I looking forward to the weekend? It was nonstop housework and cooking. Can I really not find a way to enjoy more of what's left of my life? I find myself counting the years and months until the kids are of age. What is there to look forward to? Death? That doesn't sound like much of a party.

I enjoyed drinking vodka with pomegranate juice on Saturday evening listening to a repeat of "A Prairie Home Companion" and making tacos. Flynn asked for them but didn't eat much. I'd given the kids the Easter baskets from Diane, so that didn't do much for their appetites. Cassidy wanted macaroni and cheese for dinner. But I enjoyed eating tacos, they were delicious. I used to love listening to that show before I was married.

Is my life really better for having children? I love them, but it's been nonstop work for over ten years now. Diane carried the kids but I've raised them pretty much every minute since they were delivered. And now Diane has hit the fucking haybales and fallen apart. I'm glad she's gone. Though I think that Flynn is still hugely freaked out by our separation.

In the meantime I continue to run the household. Things remain regular and consistent. I had Easter baskets for the kids. So Diane's Easter baskets duplicated my efforts. And she chose shitty "chocolate flavored" treats. Buy real chocolate. Pay attention. She was never good with the kids. She hasn't improved after her extended sickness/depression.

I need to tend to the aquariums. That's just seeming like work at this point.

Pick up Cassidy at eleven. Pick Flynn up at 1:45 -- wait, today is Monday, he has an additional math class after school until 3:00. I wonder if he remembers that? I can talk to him on the Nextel phone this afternoon at 1:45. Or be there for him with a snack.

The car needs to be washed. I need to pick up Cassidy's room, which is a disaster area again. Maybe if I buy a dozen plastic bins and carpet her floor with them then no matter what she drops on the ground it will end up in a bin...

One thing I liked a lot from last week was going to Ikea and buying those two television stands. They look great. It would have been fun to look around through the store, but I'd told the kids to make sure I went directly to the television stands and not stray and browse... too bad. I really enjoyed that last year after Thanksgiving. The kids were at Mike and Pat's. I like Ikea. And I needed furniture.

When did Diane move out? I wish I'd kept more careful track of what happened when. I can't remember how many times she's been in the hospital. I feel badly for her having squatters in her rented house. I was glad to have her gone and away from the kids. I need to contact the phone company again about the phone bill now that I've had Diane look at it. Whoever stole her car and her purse ran up charges on the phone card. She thinks it was one of her psycho friends. She just fell completely apart. I expected her to get sick from smoking or something but it was a dreadful surprise that she disintegrated due to "depression." Guess it was a good thing that I was already running the house and raising the kids. Had I been a "normal guy" that would have been quite a transition.

I might as well get busy cleaning up the house and doing more dishes. No point in letting things run down. Keep on top of it. Do a good job. My obligation is and has always been to the kids. Keep the house in order. Pick them up on time. Keep them warm and clean and fed. Maintain a positive attitude. Raise them right. That's all there is.

 

Easter

Baked yeast rolls and an apple pie... with ham and mashed potatoes (nearly cooked) and vegetables... seemed like a delicious Easter dinner to me. And some squash. Flynn ate a roll and picked at his vegetables, I think. Cassidy ate a roll and some mashed potatoes, I think. I was cooking most of the day. Got up early to hide Easter eggs. It wouldn't kill me to have the kids eat something I cooked for dinner.

 

Frustrated and annoyed.

Is this week over yet? Frustrated and annoyed following a lengthy, poorly-run presentation on junior high school. The finale was finding the gate we'd come in locked. Brilliant! Just fucking brilliant!

When you see a Powerpoint presentation you know it's going to be a long, drawn-out evening. Can I get a fucking executive summary, here, please? I can absorb information pretty quickly. Just give me the facts.

Arrrrgh. Then a long wait to get some Jack-in-the-Box food, then a long drive home following some twit going 20 mph... JESUS! ENOUGH! ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY! GET OUT OF MY WAY! I WANT TO GO HOME!!!

I mean, you couldn't find time to figure out which light switches work the damn lights in the auditorium? Find out beforehand and mark them with tape or something! Rehearse your presentation! Come ON.

Rained a bit today, finally, in the afternoon when we were taking Flynn to his saxophone lesson. Stopped raining by five or so, always very disappointing. When it rains, it ought to rain for several days on end without cessation. Late March, the rainy season is almost over. Damn. MORE RAIN. MORE RAIN. MORE RAIN. Never enough rain. How much would it have to rain for me to get sick of it? Overall this was a pretty good rain year. Apparently it rained more than it has here in the badlands since before WWII. Not nearly enough as far as I'm concerned.

One more day to this week. One more day. Another day. Another fucking day. The future lawn area is probably going to be kind of heavy to work on tomorrow. I can pick up more chicken manure to finish it off, however. And buy some grass seed and some Kellogg product to cover the seed with.

Annoyed and frustrated. I didn't want to go to that meeting and I'd hoped they were going to have their shit together, and of course they didn't.

Long day. Rotten month. Need more rain to make things better. Everything is better when it's raining. And the harder it rains the better things are.

Tomorrow is Friday. Sunday is Easter. Hide Easter eggs for the kids early, early Sunday.

That's about all I have to vent.

 

Holy SHIT. Everything SUCKS.

Haven't been in this bad a mood on a Monday morning in as long as I can remember.

 

night again.

Built a fire. Playing part of 770519. Cassidy's in the tub. Flynn already took a shower.

Feel down. Not a quiet day. Fell asleep for a few minutes watching an episode of "Good Eats" that I wanted to see.

Another Monday tomorrow. Much like the previous Monday and the Monday before that.

Too bad I couldn't cultivate the remaining lawn area this weekend. Rain was off-and-on. I ought to be able to get it ready to seed by next weekend. Finish digging in the chicken manure. Figure out what kind of seed to buy. Buy enough cover material to cover the seed. Keep it damp. I'd like to have a lawn again.

Drank a "Rock Star Energy Drink" today for the first time since I fell asleep waiting to get Cassidy. Fell asleep this afternoon. Doesn't give me any energy, but I take enjoyable, deep naps. Or pass out, one of the two. Maybe a combination.

Not pleased to see Diane take the kids yesterday. Just another bizarre, unpleasant wrinkle in my life. Here I am raising the kids on my own? This is not what I planned. This is not what I anticipated. But it needs to be done and I don't see anyone else around who can do it.

Sometimes you lose that optimistic edge and things wash over the bow. The past few weeks I've been hitting the snooze alarm and not getting right out of bed. Not a good sign. It's still that dead period between football and baseball. Get up, manage the kids, clean the house, pick the kids up, feed the kids... manage the kids... get the kids clean and back in bed. Cassidy lives off of chocolate milk and Eggo waffles. While six-year-old-sized portions of fish and vegetables and chicken in various permutations parade by her. It's FISH, try it, you'll like it. I made some "chicken nuggets" out of chicken breast dredged in crumbs of some kind... potato chips or Ritz crackers... she turned her nose up at those, too... arrrgh...

What is there to look forward to? Anything meaningful? Flynn begins junior high school, Cassidy begins first grade. I feel too old for this. The run-in with the principal and my angry note about that asshole kid cutting in front of Cassidy still mightily piss me off. Digging up the lawn area helped distract me. Too bad I couldn't dig up more of the lawn area this weekend, as I've mentioned fifteen or twenty times.

Nearly seven. Fish Cassidy out of the tub. Chase the little mutants into bed in an hour and a half or so and then start it all over again tomorrow morning. Dig up more of the lawn area. Not a party in and of itself. Do it right this time. Wasn't satisfied with Diane's recipe for the lawn area when we (I) laid the sod back in 97 or whenever it was. And her stupid sprinkler system. Gah. Don't remind me.

Go prepare coffee. Get up and shave and dress and make coffee and sit back down here and hope there's something even half-interesting to read.

Get the kids up and dressed and fed and out the door. Drive back here and see how wet the soil in the lawn area is.

Getting the lawn cultivated and started certainly seems important to me. Against some happy future day, walking barefoot on the future lawn. Something on the barbecue... an ice-cold Tecate in my hand... my headphones on, listening to Garrison Keilor on a Saturday evening... hopefully the morning glories and moonflowers will have grown from 2" seedlings to 6' vines by that time... somewhere much closer to the heart of summer than I am now...

Trips to the beach... summer vacation for the kids... the trip to Disneyland... Memorial Day weekend (make fried chicken and potato salad, watch science fiction movies)... 4th of July... Flynn's birthday, Cassidy's birthday... the start of football season, the start of school... Halloween... Thanksgiving... Christmas again... the usual circle. The usual rotation. Today is the first day of spring. And this year I actually got my tomatoes started from seed along with a decent herb garden... very tiny herbs at this point... though I noticed the cilantro has its first true leaves out. The thinnings smelled like cilantro. The bed of salad greens is about 4" tall now. Things are growing. I was happy to be on schedule this year for once.

Time to get Cassidy out of the tub.

 

can't publish.

Since yesterday. Something is wrong on the blogger.com end. Frustrating.

Colin is over visiting Flynn and they're playing video games. Last night Kody was over. I wouldn't have minded a QUIET day at home today.

Sun is out. Breezy. I wonder how wet the soil in the lawn area is? I had hoped to get that amended and maybe even seeded this weekend. That will have to wait.

Did the ironing. Good for me. That's done.

I guess that's all.

 

rain. no rain.

Diane called about 10 and got the kids about noon. This is the second time she's had them. I'm less than thrilled.

Doing dishes and laundry. Washed the sheets, need to make the beds.

Enough rain to preclude continuing to dig today. The sun is shining now. Maybe the soil will have dried enough by tomorrow to continue. Or not. Wait and see.

Get the rest of the lawn area cultivated and amended. Research lawn seed. Sow the seed and semi-cover with maybe a Kellogg's product. Get a bin or even two delivered from Home Depot. Use that as seed cover. Keep the lawn area moist. Wait for the lawn to grow.

What to do with the plastic shed in back of the house? I keep the garden tools in it. I don't like the way it looks. I can't think of anywhere else to put it. Hang the garden tools on the wall? What about the lawnmower?

Didn't I see a solar-powered robot lawnmower not too long ago? I ought to look into that. That sounds like a laugh.

 

friday

Rain started about three. I had been planning to finish amending the future lawn area this weekend. Maybe even get to planting lawn seed. That doesn't seem likely now.

Made pretty good progress the past few days getting the soil amended. Digging it in inch by inch. Bag after bag of chicken manure. Bought a means-business claw tool to cultivate the soil. Breaking up clods of earth and hunks of clay. Overall the soil is not so bad. I had wanted to amend it inch by inch when we laid the sod.

Do it right. I look forward to having a lawn to walk barefoot on this summer.

Drinking absinthe. Mixed some extract with some vodka and sugar. Drizzled ice-cold water over a sugar cube very slowly into half a glass of the liquor. Interesting effect so far. Mental acuity. Verbal dexterity.

Built a fire in the fireplace. Put away the foam mat I kneel on and the cultivator and the trimmers and the rake and the fork. Wait for the soil to dry out a bit again and then get back to work.

Monday or Tuesday or next weekend. Get it done eventually.

 

dirt

Leveled the future lawn area and watered it. Took a swipe at leveling it. Want to plant a lawn there. Removed all the weeds. Raked it semi-level. Lower high spots and raise low spots.

Enjoyable sweaty work on the yard this afternoon. Made the kids some chocolate chip muffins for breakfast this morning. Making some ravioli now. Time to go stir it. And eat.

...

Quite tasty. I made some really delicious spaghetti sauce last week that I finished off tonight. The kids had store bought white sauce. The spaghetti sauce starts with a chopped onion sauteed in olive oil or browned after you brown some ground beef and some ground sausage. Then add some diced tomatoes, some tomato sauce and some tomato paste. And some Italian seasoning. And some salt. And some garlic powder. And a lot of red wine. Then simmer for hours. Really good.

Reduce the height of the high spots and raise the low spots on the lawn area. Walk all over it and flatten it all out. Broadcast lawn seed once it's all flat and ready to go. Water the lawn. Grow a new lawn. Hope that we get to keep the house. Maybe we won't. That would suck. That would upset the kids. This house is right next to junior high and high school. I often feel weary not knowing what will happen. Getting rid of Diane seems to be taking a lifetime. I keep expecting her to kill herself. I don't see her improving.

Glad to have worked on the lawn today. Got something done.

 

monday.

Quarter after eight. Delivered the kids to school. Came home. Still pissed off at last week's run-in with the principal. Lovely black woman. Ought to be airlifted to Afrique to continue her good work.

The weekend went by very quickly. Flynn had his friend Chris over on Saturday. Cooked most of the day. Cooked spaghetti sauce, chicken and taco meat. And cupcakes. Sunday I was a slug most of the day. Played ping pong with Flynn and then we did the Friday exercises. Played with the guitars. Played video games. Had tacos for dinner.

Made chicken, mashed potatoes and biscuits for dinner on Saturday. Fed the kids and Chris that, anyway.

Rained on Friday evening, rained hard Friday night. Why does it rain at night here?

Didn't want to get out of bed this morning.

Have a black tetra swimming sideways and upside down -- it's all over for that little fish. Do I kill it or wait for it to die and be partially eaten by the bottom feeder?

Put away laundry, put away dishes, vacuum... things I need to get around to today. This morning. Take Flynn to see Dr. Diamond at four o'clock this afternoon. Make spaghetti for dinner tonight.

Diane came over on Saturday to see the kids. She had been hospitalized for a month. Going to pick her up tomorrow and take her to run some errands. Not really looking forward to that.

Between the episode with the principal and Diane's being released last week I did not end last week in a good mood at all.

The rain on Friday night was certainly welcome. I love rain. I wish it would rain hard again.

 

last summer

I often think of the night before Diane had her first electroshock therapy "treatment." I visited her at Sharp Memorial halfway to downtown. The ICU patio looked like an oddly-shaped tennis court, weird green concrete and high walls (heh). The patients were sitting around on the patio. Diane was chainsmoking. One of the last things I said was that I was having a harder and harder time relating to any of what she was going through. That was goodbye. I drove north alone just after sunset. A happy summer in San Diego.

Beautiful, warm evening. And I'd visited Diane in an utter pit of despair. That was goodbye.

 

Imperious negress cherry-picks my words

Some kid cut in front of Cassidy in line for school yesterday. I wrote a note while I was angry and ended up talking with the negress principal today, who turns out to be every inch the imperious dark-meat cunt Flynn's tales suggested she was. She had that Human Resources programmed mode of thinking, as if she couldn't hear the words I was speaking and couldn't read the words I had written but rather cherry-picked certain words out while managing to ignore my point altogether. She GRABBED some papers out of my hand, shoving a chair out of the way to do so. Really ugly. Scared Cassidy. I turned to Cassidy and asked "Did you see what your principal just did?" Fuck that nigger bitch. Time for a complaint to the school district. Didn't they hire this cotton picking cunt after the sudden departure of Mrs. Sardonicus, the always-blue-sky former principal? I remember Diane being really pissed off at her when she refused to acknowledge the horror and concern we felt when Flynn was BITTEN by some insane kid who was trying to be "integrated" into a first grade class.

I'm *still* pissed off about what happened today. Flynn had come home near tears one day and explained that their lunch rules were changed for the worse after Ms. Imperious Negress determined that changes were in order -- another time Flynn told me that she'd had the entire fifth grade write an apology to some yard duty worker who thought the kids were too loud -- Hello? When kids that age AREN'T loud there's cause for concern.