Here I sit. Flynn seemed to still have a pretty bad cough but he wanted to go to school. Got the kids to school on time yet again.
So that was the weekend. Why do I look forward to weekends? They're generally more work than weekdays. What is it that I'm looking forward to? Still kind of baffled why I spent so much of yesterday cooking. The kids didn't seem to care. I think that I'd rather have taken a nap.
At least dinner was over and the kids were bathed by six o'clock. It was nice not having to continue to work later than that.
I was dozing on the couch and Flynn wandered out, apparently sleepwalking, which is creepy-weird. I asked him if anything was wrong and he mumbled something about "36" and "Fixing the Jeep" which was really weird. I encouraged him to head back to bed.
What was it I was looking forward to this past weekend? I bought some more chicken manure on Friday but only found time to dig one bag in on Saturday, didn't touch the yard on Sunday. Got up at 5:30 Sunday morning to hide Easter eggs. Why do I do so much work around the house? What is the point? The kids seem to take everything I do for granted. Why do I bother?
Whether or not we'll be able to remain in this house is up in the air, that's uncomfortable.
Diane was over on Friday afternoon for a short time and came over to collect the kids at 1 on Saturday. She'd mentioned she'd be over about 10 Saturday. She took them to a local bookstore and then brought them back here to dye Easter eggs. Which suited me. I'd rather keep the kids close by.
Finish amending the yard. Get some grass seed and something to cover the seed. Grow a new lawn. If we have to sell the house that ought to make it easier to get done.
What's the point? Last week was shitty from start to finish. Why was I looking forward to the weekend? It was nonstop housework and cooking. Can I really not find a way to enjoy more of what's left of my life? I find myself counting the years and months until the kids are of age. What is there to look forward to? Death? That doesn't sound like much of a party.
I enjoyed drinking vodka with pomegranate juice on Saturday evening listening to a repeat of "A Prairie Home Companion" and making tacos. Flynn asked for them but didn't eat much. I'd given the kids the Easter baskets from Diane, so that didn't do much for their appetites. Cassidy wanted macaroni and cheese for dinner. But I enjoyed eating tacos, they were delicious. I used to love listening to that show before I was married.
Is my life really better for having children? I love them, but it's been nonstop work for over ten years now. Diane carried the kids but I've raised them pretty much every minute since they were delivered. And now Diane has hit the fucking haybales and fallen apart. I'm glad she's gone. Though I think that Flynn is still hugely freaked out by our separation.
In the meantime I continue to run the household. Things remain regular and consistent. I had Easter baskets for the kids. So Diane's Easter baskets duplicated my efforts. And she chose shitty "chocolate flavored" treats. Buy real chocolate. Pay attention. She was never good with the kids. She hasn't improved after her extended sickness/depression.
I need to tend to the aquariums. That's just seeming like work at this point.
Pick up Cassidy at eleven. Pick Flynn up at 1:45 -- wait, today is Monday, he has an additional math class after school until 3:00. I wonder if he remembers that? I can talk to him on the Nextel phone this afternoon at 1:45. Or be there for him with a snack.
The car needs to be washed. I need to pick up Cassidy's room, which is a disaster area again. Maybe if I buy a dozen plastic bins and carpet her floor with them then no matter what she drops on the ground it will end up in a bin...
One thing I liked a lot from last week was going to Ikea and buying those two television stands. They look great. It would have been fun to look around through the store, but I'd told the kids to make sure I went directly to the television stands and not stray and browse... too bad. I really enjoyed that last year after Thanksgiving. The kids were at Mike and Pat's. I like Ikea. And I needed furniture.
When did Diane move out? I wish I'd kept more careful track of what happened when. I can't remember how many times she's been in the hospital. I feel badly for her having squatters in her rented house. I was glad to have her gone and away from the kids. I need to contact the phone company again about the phone bill now that I've had Diane look at it. Whoever stole her car and her purse ran up charges on the phone card. She thinks it was one of her psycho friends. She just fell completely apart. I expected her to get sick from smoking or something but it was a dreadful surprise that she disintegrated due to "depression." Guess it was a good thing that I was already running the house and raising the kids. Had I been a "normal guy" that would have been quite a transition.
I might as well get busy cleaning up the house and doing more dishes. No point in letting things run down. Keep on top of it. Do a good job. My obligation is and has always been to the kids. Keep the house in order. Pick them up on time. Keep them warm and clean and fed. Maintain a positive attitude. Raise them right. That's all there is.
